Goodbye 2010

A year had passed and overall it had been so-so for me. Many incidents happened in 2010 which were mixed between happiness and dreadfulness. Too many court cases that I had attended and more to come for 2011. All of the court cases were dreadful but I have to go through the legal system to fight for my rights. Even after more than two years being separated, the court has not decided on the harta sepencarian and I do not know how long will all end.

In the mean time, I had to continue struggling to support my family. Had to find means and ways to survive and to make my kids live comfortably. How tiring it may be but at the end of the day, the time that I spent with the kids is happiness. We may have less to spend but we have all the time to compensate and cherish with what we have.

InsyaAllah 2011 would be a better year for us and I pray that will end well in the near future.

Happy 2011 everyone!

To give or not to give....

I am in dilemma - to give or not to give away something dear to me. Due to some unforseen circumstances and some financial difficulty, I need to make up my mind without hurting or jeopardizing my relationship. This matter had been on my mind for almost a year and I cant seem to make up my mind. Its a difficult thing to do but eventually I have to decide. All I need to do is Redha and Tawakkal. Allah knows better....

Perhaps I should wait until my court date this mid Dec and I will decide then..... May everything ends well soon....

Gathering with Friends

The best way to spend Deepavali Hols was to meet friends gather2. We finally met at Shah Motel in PJ, all the 14 of us. No spouse n kids actually but I had to take Sarah along. We had a GREAT time talking about old times and a handful of us spent the nite at the hotel. We kept on chatting until 4 am....

The next day we proceeded to Pucuk Di Cita at Wangsa Maju for brunch. A few others joined in to replace some who could not make it for breakfast. But still... it was GAMAT!!!

To all my friends, thank you for being there.... Will love all of you always....

Upcoming Projects...

Zaki got himself a new venture - KAAB BUNDLE - a shop selling used clothes and will be operating soon. He had been wanting to start his own biz since he was a small kid and as a present for his 18th birthday, his dream came true. I felt that he should move forward and maybe with his new responsibility, he would be a better person.

By the way A got married late last month and the kids were not invited. Perhaps they were not important to be invited and they are accepting the fact that they now have a step-mom. Good for A and I wish him happiness. Hope that it will last longer than what we had.

A new kindy managed by myself would be operating in 2011. Had been busy trying to get all prepared for the new place....

Wish us luck!!

Even Now

Even Now - an all time favourite song of mine. sang by Barry Manilow. I loved this song ever since I was still schooling; if not mistaken in 1978... Long long time ago. Not dedicated to anyone in particular actually. Its for me....

In fact I like all the songs by Barry Manilow. They seemed to be very meaningful to me. During my growing up years... I listened to his songs and even now I still listen to them. His voice is different; huskiness and distinctive. But too bad that my kids could not appreciate his songs.

I am searching for his music books, perhaps Sarah can play for me in the future....

Sumbangan Hari Raya - Sultan Selangor

This event was held in Shah Alam on August 28, 2010. I accompanied Sarah as she was listed as OKU. She had to queue up to receive her duit raya together with hundreds of other receipients from all over Selangor. She was brave enough to walk alone ( without me...).

And that was the last official outing for the late Datuk Sosilawati attended. I did saw her that day. What a sad thing that she had to perish in such a manner. My condolonces to her family. We have to redha as Allah knows best. For us, its a musibah that could happen to anybody. No matter whether you are rich or poor, death will sure to come. Ajal will come without us knowing...

MasyaAllah....

Great Times - Singapore Sept 2010

We went to Singapore on Sept 11, 2010. Drove to LCCT and parked my car there. Took the Tiger Airways and arrived before 1 pm. Went straight to the hotel and after that we were at Orchard to purchase tickets for Universal Studio. We had lunch at our favourite restaurant and solat at the Masjid Sultan. We headed to Bugis and went back to Masjid Sultan. Upon coming out from the masjid, we were amazed to see the sighting of the moon and the star together. They were near each other and it symbolized Islam.

The next day we went shopping around and at night we went to Night Safari. Unfortunately, Sarah was not feeling too well. We rushed back and let her rest for the Universal Studio stint. Luckily I brought her medication as I expected that will happen.

The trip to Universal Studio was wonderful. Eventhough it was a very2 hot day, we enjoyed it. Sarah managed to take photos with all her favourite characters namely Puss in Boots, Shrek, Fiona, Gloria, Woody Woodpecker etc. The boys were concentrating on the rides and Sarah was just waiting for the characters for photo shoot. The place was crowded but it was worthwhile.

Two Rayas in Singapore.... Next year perhaps, we will change venue... Where will we go?

1st Syawal 1431

Its Hari Raya today. Prayed at Darussalam with the kids and then they went with A. This year the kids dressed up for Hari Raya. As long as I can remember, this is the first time they are properly dressed for Hari Raya. I somehow wanted them to remember this Raya eventhough 1st Syawal is never my favourite day.

Tomorrow we will be flying to Singapore for holiday. Since cant think where else to take the kids, we decided to go holidays. Singapore pun Singapore lah... Still overseas... This year my kids received duit raya in Singapore Dollar.... Last year we were there coincide with Formula 1. Perhaps next year I will take them somewhere else. That means I need to save money from now. I hope Allah will murahkan rezeki I and I can spend more for the kids.

Selamat Hari Raya to all...

Another week to Syawal

Almost three weeks of Ramadhan passed and another week to Syawal. I finally recovered from my flu, Alhamdulillah. 1st Syawal marks my second anniversary and honestly, I consider my independence as GOOD. Life had been good and eventhough there were some problems regarding finances, I got help from the Al-Mighty. Also the help from friends kept me going and grounded. No complains about being lonely and my life is full of happenings surrounding my kids.

Last week Sarah and I were in Shah Alam to berbuka puasa with the Sultan Selangor. Sarah received sumbangan Hari Raya from the Sultan. Zaki got his from ADUN and now Zaid is at Shah Alam to receive his from Yayasan. I am happy for them...

We will be going off to Singapore for Hari Raya. As I dont have a kampung and as birthday presents for my boys, Singapore will be a nice treat. We plan to go to Universal Studio and the Night Safari other than shopping at Bugis. The kids loved Singapore and its about the only place I can afford too. Been saving for this trip and I really hope that the kids will appreciate and enjoy their trip.

I was told that A will be getting married next month. Good for him and I wish him happiness...

A Good Feeling

Today marks the 16th day puasa. I was called to buka puasa at the surau and an amazing thing happened. I could not find Zaki there and I thought he went elsewhere. Then when the azan came, I realised that it was Zaki, my dear son. I can feel my Goose pimples when I heard his voice! What a pleasant surprise.... How proud I was at that time and I realised Zaki had move forward....

It made me think that I needed to do something and most of all doa that he will be in iman forever.... Two years down from my singleness, we found our light together. I really hope Zaki will be able to guide the other kids to be better. The elders have faith in him and I am proud to be his mother.... Alhamdulillah....

Ramadhan 2010

Its been a week into Ramadhan, my favourite month actually. I'd always love ramadhan not because of the abundance of food sold but a month whereby my kids will eat together with me. But this year, my boys wanted to be at the surau. After my one month stint at the surau, my boys somehow enjoyed themselves there and had been going for their jemaah prayers and tarawikh there. They even break their fast there! As usual Sarah and I will go only after Maghrib and it also depends on her mood.

Sarah managed to puasa since Day 1. Its been a week and I am glad that she could go thru a week without much complains. Zaid is working at the surau; washing dishes and cleaning up. Zaki joinned the elders for tadarus. What a bless! Alhamdulillah..... Tq to all who had prayed for me and my kids....

The changes in my kids were longed by me.... I always prayed that they would be soleh and solehah kids..... I dont care about what A might think but all that matters now is we are happy together and performing ibadah together. We may not have lots of money but having enough taught us that barakah is more important than the amount.

I am into my second year anniversary for being single and I am enjoying every minute of it. For me to start a new relationship is not my priority. My kids are the utmost important people in my life and wouldnt want to be tied down again.

Now I am formulating a new survival plan for the next two years. As A is not complying to his agreement and promises, I need to restrategise my action plans. I hope my court case would end soon and thus to ease my worries on the uncertainties.

YA ALLAH! Give me strength and patience to go through all.....

Sukan Pasti 2010 & Surau Darussalam

It was Sukan Pasti again on July 24th, 2010. After three hard weeks of training, we went to the event with high hopes of winning.... but alas, we lost again. Though, my kids did great! Am proud of them and perhaps better luck next year.

Last weekend was the programme at Surau Darussalam, Taman Nirwana. I helped them organised their programe and it lasted for three wholedays. It went well and I was glad it was over. At least it changed my kids.... Alhamdulillah... the event had some impact on my kids and I really hope it will last for a long time.....

Trip around Johore

I was in Johore last weekend. Took my aunt to her son's house in Pontian. We first stopped at Tangkak. Been wanting to go there but could not find the time. We were there for just under an hour and we shoot off to Pontian. As it is a new place for me, I wanted to reach there during daylight. We reached safely at my cousin's house at 6 pm. We had dinner at the seafood restaurant after that.

The next day, we went to Kahang to visit an uncle. My aunt had never been to his place. I took the liberty to take my aunt around. We had lunch complete with durian and manggis. We then went to Ayer Hitam. Another place I wanted to go after hearing a lot of shopping stories from friends. And after spending an hour, I took my aunt back to Pontian. Shortly before 6 pm, I drove home. There were many vehicles on the road but I managed to reach KL within 3 hours. By 9 pm, I was already home.... Home Sweet Home.

I only planned to go to Pontian but instead I went around Johore. It was tiring but I was happy to entertain my dearest aunt. I really hope she is happy.....

Sarah is 10

Sarah is 10 on July 5, 2010. Had a small party for family and friends on Sunday, July 4th at the poolside. Her brothers prepared the place as I had classes until 2 pm. We had a small gathering and had lots of fun eventhough there were no other children at the party.

The kids are all now in double digits age. And that makes me feel old.... I thank Allah for giving me the kids as they are my only harta dunia and akhirat. I gave up my houses in return for the kids and would do anything to keep them. Come what may, nothing could separate me from my kids now.

Looking back, nobody could guess that my life is better off now. I've gained my weight and I am happier now. Should I know that life would be better, I would jumped into singlehood long time ago. But yet...its never too late!

Syukur Alhamdulillah for all the goodness in life and I look forward for my better years ahead with my kids....

Outing - Genting Highlands June 16, 2010

We took the bus ride to Genting Highlands at 9 am. By 10.30 am, we were already at the Outdoor Theme Park. The weather was cooling and just right. What a relief! Away from the hot weather down in KL. The kids had a jolly time at the park riding the roller-coasters and playing games... I had to buy at least RM130 worth of tokens.... And we came back with a bid red dragon, a green frog and a bear... They all belonged to Sarah. We were carrying those animals back in the bus... We took the 5 pm bus back to KL. By 7 pm, we were already home.

For all I know, we had GREAT FUN together! Eventhough its near to our house but the weather made a lot of difference. It is as though we were overseas! We plan to go again to Genting. Will try to find time so that we can have fun together and can cherish the moments that we have.... Whenever we see the animals we brought back, we can still remember our time there. I love spending time with the kids eventhough I have to cough up money.... They are all worth it!!

Praying for a BIG STOP!

I dont understand why he could not stop harrassing us. First me, then now the kids. Sending lengthy sms to us and provoking us. He kept on blaberring that the kids are not worthy. The thing is he is the one who is not deserving.

I pray that he will stop provoking us. Just face the fact and let us live our lives happily and peacefully. Its been over a year and dont let me blow my top. I can feel my temperature rising and whistling in my ears!

My Lost Feelings

I woke up this morning feeling regret. I dont know what happened in my dream but the feelings were overwhelming. I regretted my actions that I did 21 years ago. It happened in June 1989. Why didnt anyone stopped me from making the worst mistake in my life? How could I be fooled? Why didnt I thought of the consequences?

I am full of regrets. I know nothing could change the past but how I wished I could just turn back the time. I had so much in life happening at that time but I decided to end it just to please another person.. And now I regret.... All I wanted now is to let it go and start a new life, far away from all. Dont want to think what had happened and live life to the fullest.

It would be difficult to start all over again at this age but I will try to put the past behind me and relive my life with whatever thats left and with whoever I want....

Looking forward...

I am looking forward for a better life; not that my current life is not good. As my court date will start end of June, I look forward for the end of the trial. Whatever the outcome, at least its the starting of the ending of the last chapter. I really wanted to end it ASAP and have a peace of mind. This month marks the 2nd anniversary of my worst nightmare which left a permanent damage of my vision. How time flies... and I am really glad I was able to survive the ordeal. No doubt it caused trauma to my kids and I, but we managed to cross over the line.

Looking back I am glad I made the decision to end the marriage. Dont think I could but now, I am happy being single with the kids. The kids got my undivided attention and my unconditional love.... I really hope my kids would appreciate that.

Mum's Day with My Aunt

I celebrated Mum's Day yesterday with my aunt by attending a concert by Datuk Sharifah Aini at the Palace of The Golden Horses last night. It was a night to remember for all of us coz the concert was entertaining. My aunt came together with her youngest daughter all the way from Alor Setar to enjoy the eventful night with a few hundred people who attended the concert.

It was mother's day and birthday present for my aunt. Could find anything else to get for her; so I hope this concert would be meaningful for her as she is a fan of the diva. My cousin, being 18 years old at first could not appreciate the songs but eventually she had a great time. She managed to take some pix with Mawi and became my camera-girl during the concert.

The concert ended at 12.30 am and we reached home at 1.00 am. I really hope my aunt had a really good time and its my only way to tell her that how she meant to me... like my mother. Happy belated mother's day to you, Kak!

Cartoons - Disney

I love to watch cartoons. Ever since I was young, I look forward to watch Magical World of Disney on TV. Those days bukan ada ASTRO... only RTM 1 & 2 and yet the movies were a weekly treat. As I grow older, I still love the cartoons. In fact when I was at varsity, my late dad would tape for me Thunder Cats. I enjoyed cartoons so much that until now I cant kick the habit. I have compilations most of the Disney productions and I will watch them with or without my kids. My kids somehow or rather picked up the interest too.

I remembered watching Lion King maybe more than 50 times with Zaki. He was 1+ then. He kept on repeating the same movie again and again.... And yet I still like the movie. When I was pregnant with Zaki, I watched Beauty and The Beast and ever since then, the songs had been my favourite. Peabo Bryson and Celine Dion....

Sarah is also hooked on cartoons. Now she is repeating Mulan, Mulan 2; me Lion King and Beauty and The Beast; Zaid Lion King 1 1/2 and Lion King 2....

We are having a gala time watching all the cartoons. At least I have some common interest with the kids. CARTOONS.....

Dinner with my teachers

Went dinner with my teachers for Teacher's Day celebration. Took them to a Thai restaurant nearby. Food was good and affordable. Each teacher brought a partner. Ana took her husband, Nabila too her sister, Suraya took her father and I brought Zaid and Sarah....

The other pic is chocs I received from my tuition class last Sunday. Well... as usual my kids have the honour of eating the chocs. To all, thank you for your wishes....

Double Celebrations

First it was Mother's Day and then Teacher's Day. Mother's Day was celebrated with my kids - presents, steam boat dinner and wishes... Teacher's Day was celebrated with my students - gifts, drinks and wishes. Both, wonderful!

I adored my kids and my students. They bring joy to my life and my insentive to work harder and to be more dedicated. Every time I am with my students, I learn to love our differences and their efforts to please me. I can see that they are improving and appreciating my effort. My kids, no words could describe them. They are the centre of my life and each day, I prayed and Thanked Allah for borrowing them to me. They filled the emptiness in my life and with them, I dont think I need any other companion. As they are still living with me and Sarah will be with me for a LONG time, they completed my life. Whats there being in a relationship when you are not appreciated? Not only that, they shortchanged your life, hurt you mentally and physically.

There may be other companions for me in the future, insyaAllah but at this moment, I am happy with what I have. No complains and not wanting or seeking. Had enough of mistreatment from others. I want to love GOD, myself and my kids.....

Rainbow - A beautiful morning

As I entering my kindy one morning, my students were shouting excitedly showing me the rainbow. It was a cool morning and as I look at the rainbow and I smiled. Its quite rare to see rainbow nowadays and it somehow brought back a lot of memories when I was little. My late mum always reminded us not to point to the rainbow coz it may cause our finger to become kudung.... Hahahaha I wonder why....

Under the weather

Been under the weather for the last few days actually. After the kids had fever, then it was my turn. All I needed is just some sleep.... So I did that for the last few days. The weather was unpredictable and bloody hot!

Btw today is my aunt's birthday. Called her early morn and got the kids to wish her together. Last year I was in Bangkok and my kids called my aunt to wish happy birthday. This year birthday and mother's day present will be delivered when she come over at the end of the month. Cant wait to see her. Have not seen her since last Dec and she has never been in my new place. I hope she will like this new place.....

Today noon, we went to GE Mall as I have something to buy and I arranged the kids to meet A. I asked him whether he wanted to have lunch with the kids and as expected he refused. He was rushing as usual and took the kids to buy some shoes and toys. Sarah had been eyeing some toys and a few other things and the boys manage to tumpang beli together,.... Hahahahah. As for me, I didnt join them as I dont feel like it. I waited until they are done and came back.

I hope I will be better next week. Can still feel my body aching and tired... I need to gather some energy for tomorrow. I have many classes..... Happy Weekend everyone!

A Different Approach

I decided to play the game differently. Since A sent an email stating that he wouldnt fight for the kids, I let him visit the kids at my home. Before his lawyer starts sending letters saying that he doesnt know the condition of his kids at home, I let him come and see all. He accompanied my kids swimming at the pool and Zaki asked whether he wanted to come to the house. It took him longer to climb up all the stairs and my kids were winking at me.... Hahahah....

I hope there will be no more questions about our place and they played the piano for him. He took the kids out for dinner after that and I stayed home. It was almost maghrib and I just came back from my class.

As usual, he is still busy with his phone, calling and sms-ing.... And I thot he would change.... Fat chance!

Could it be real?

The title sounds odd but thats how I am feeling and wondering now. Could it be real? A had almost a heart attack (PE) but he survived. Perhaps Allah still wants to give him opportunity to change.... emmm... perhaps.

We did not visit him when he was at the hospital as we were not informed. I ask him to forgive his kids. Our presence were not needed and my kids may not be that important compared to the others.

His smses to me seem a bit mellowed and I deduce that maybe he had come to his senses. I prayed that he had waken up and fulfil his responsibilities towards his kids. But still... my case at the court is still on for late June.... If only he would repent and realise that it will do more harm to him should he proceed. Only time will tell....

Another sick man

I found out that A has been hospitalized (and still) for having blood clot in his lungs. It came no surprise to me as I can feel that.... Even after my divorce, I still have the instinct. I hate feeling it coz our relationship is over and done.

I can imagine how the family would be now. But as nobody informed me or my kids, I assume they dont want us to know or my kids are not important enough for him. But its ok actually. I would not go to visit him as we dont have ties anymore. He is just the father of my kids. I informed my kids and for them since nobody informed them, they treat is as no news.

Even on last Friday we communicated thru email and he said that he will not pay Zaki's tuition fees and I replied that if he continue shortchanging our lives, then Allah will repay him. I did ask him to repent and I did not get any reply from him. In March 2008, A was hospitalized and I said the same thing.... Remember Allah and repent but instead I was kicked and chased out from the hospital... This time no more kicking coz I will never go near.

Sometimes when we do something to people, we forget that theres Allah. Dont think you can get away with all as the doas from the kids and the others you hurt and harm. Allah is Great and Fair.... To A, I wish you happiness and luck.

Happiness

I love Harry Potter's movies. It may sound childish but I have all the books and the DVDs. I will take the trouble to watch it at the cinema and still watch the DVDs. It gives some kind of good feelings not that I believe in magic but I learn some wisdom words from the movies.

Albus Dumbledore said that there's happiness in even the darkest time if only if we turn on the light. And its true... even in the darkest time in my life, I can still find happiness if I try to let go. I dont to grow old ahead of my time and I want to savour every minute of my life with my kids and let them feel my love around them.

I want them to know that nothing could be more important than them and their welfare is my utmost priority. Every morning I wake up and thank Allah for giving me another day with my kids and every nite, I thanked Allah for the day I had. Happiness is when you know that you are appreciated and loved by others. Nobody could take over the places of my kids and I will cherish and take care of them as long as I live.

My relationship with A is over and my happiness is only my kids, my students, my friends and those who shared my pain....

Up, Close and Personal Nite

I attended the concert hosted by Datuk Sharifah Aini with my two good friends. It was superb and had the time of my life. She was amazing and I had the opportunity to sing together with her. It was crazy! Unthinkable and un-imaginable. Not in a million years!

We enjoyed the concert very much and after the all hard time dealing with A in the recent weeks, last nite was a way of de-stressing. It felt good to get away and sing your hearts out. Thank you again to Az and Haji N who accompanied me last nite.....

Happier days in the making

What? At times help can come in many ways. The assistance I received ever since and with the doa and prayers from friends helped me through the dark patches in my life. With the latest unfortunate event (?) as my kindy needs to be relocated again, I was offered by the nearby surau a place to put my school. I am blessed as the offer came even before I asked them. Its not easy to relocate the kindy as I have students, parents and staffs to answer to. With the new location insyaAllah which is just next door, it wont be a hassle.

And to my surprise, I cried in front of a friend today. I was very frustrated and she came along trying to help me make things easier. I am trying to sort my matters with A and this friend has a way of getting thru this. I suppose she may be the only person currently who has a better hand to help me out. I really hope and pray I could go thru this....

This is why happier days in the making... I can see some light at the end and with the people around me chipping in, things would be even better.....

Getting over and out!

I realized that for the last six months (at least!), I had not been bothered to even think about A. And since we moved to our new place, the old house somehow didnt meant anything to me anymore. I could not recall any good things about the past in that house; all I could remember and wanted to do was to get away and getting over things.

I was told that A was ill and I could not be bothered! I have my own life to lead and definitely without him. We are quite used not having him and DEFINITELY never having him again. We had enough! So to speak I had enough! I am now busy building up my kids lives and mine.

As for my family, I dont understand what else to think. They are trying to make me miserable as what A is doing and Alhamdulillah... I am doing alright with my life now without interferences from my family. At least my eldest brother has some common sense. The rest.... I wish you all well eventhough what you all said about me. Well... its my time now... being helpless. Just hope you all will not be in my boat in the future... at least.

Dear all, please pray that all will be over soon.... Getting over and out from the dark side of misery....

Another week over

Zaki managed to complete his first week in college without any hitches. He took the public transport to his college as taking his bike is not advisable with the current weather. At least the LRT is on time and convenient. Besides his classes during the day, he still went to teach his students at nights and during weekends. I am proud of what he is doing as he is showing his commitment and responsibilty.....

On other note, Sarah had an appoinment at HUKM last Wednesday. She still has to see the specialist every 3 months as they need to assess her from time to time. After the appoinment, I took the kids out to get some clothes for Zaki. I informed A so that he would repay the bills and as usual... he is not bothered. He gave Zaki RM200 and that money was supposed to pay for all his clothes. I wonder do they still sell 3 pairs of jeans, shirts, boxers and socks for RM200. Maybe perhaps A is living in the year of the 70s. Aahh...just forget about it!

This weekend is full with activities... and I have classes.... But no matter what, I am enjoying what I do now. I still have time for the kids especially Sarah.....

A whole new world

It sounds like the song from Alladin, the Disney cartoon.... But it is meaningful. Zaki started his class at the college and he seems to be excited with new bunch of friends and different level of education. What I meant is no more school uniforms! There are only 5 malays in his class and he is coping well....

With less stress (wishful thinking), I hope Zaki could concerntrate better and able to excel... He must get over the unfortunate events in our lives and focus for a better future.....

Silver lining in the clouds....

As the saying goes 'there's a silver lining in the dark clouds', its very true. In every turn of event or mishap, there should be a good thing instal for us. All we need to do is to look at the brighter side; pray, persevere and have faith... InsyaAllah there'll be a solution and assistance.

As for us now, getting news during the meeting I attended just now was a blessing. Alhamdulillah.... and to all, I wish all my gratitute and thankfulness for your support and aid. I am lost of words and deep from the bottom of my heart, I thank every each of you for your thoughtfulness.....

I am blessed to have friends like all of you as you have accepted and treated me more like my own family. With all these, I hope that life would be better and I am able to look forward and continue with my effort. I will devote my strength and energy to my kids, friends and society.

Thank you for your faith and believing in me...

My Nightmare... When will it ends

I had been having nightmares for the last few years, sleepless nights, waking up in the middle of my sleeps. But at least its much better now but here we go again! A as usual always has something up his sleeves and now he is delaying (?) his payment for the kids expenses, rental etc... As I have quit my job to take care of Sarah's needs and I am cash-tight. Thats why my nightmare starts again. I dont know where to go to for help... but I know I will get it solved by hook or by crook. I need to regain my strength and get back on my feet.

What he is trying to do is for me to be penniless and have to give up all my kids. And that wont happen.... How hard it may seems, but I will try to survive and fight with all my mights to ensure that all the kids would be with me. My kids need me and I need them for I took care of all of them since birth without help and assistance from anybody. How much he tries to destroy me and I will stand back each time to fight....

Ya Allah... please help me go through these with courage and patience... give me strength and ways to get me over this mess.... Ameen...

Sarah is down again....

Sarah had been feeling well for a couple of weeks. It started with her eyes and it lasted for 2 weeks. Yesterday, she had fever. Will be going again to the clinic and have her checked. Zaki is starting his orientation at his college today and this will last for 4 days. I am not taking him there coz I have some things to do. Wish him luck!

Btw Sarah's piano teacher passed away on Friday morning. Sarah has a new teacher and I hope the new teacher will be able to coach Sarah. She is starting on theory so that she can sit for Grade 1 exam in the future.

School break

The school break has come to an end. Did not go anywhere though coz I have classes for students who are in boarding school. Thus, I still enjoyed the holidays but the kids close to me. They had their own plans: swimming, basketball, gym etc. As for Sarah, she is hooked on Chipmunk and Naruto. At least nobody is watching the TV. I had the pleasure of owning the remote control for once..... Bliss!

Starting next week back to same routine; school, classes and kids not at home. Zaki will start his orientation on March 29 and the classes will resume after that. At least he is not far from me.

Been thinking of going away... needed a break, A BIG BREAK! But there are constraints. MONEY for instance. Will work harder after this and perhaps earn a lil bit to go for holiday with the kids. I am looking forward for the months to come as there will be more court hearings not that I like it but at least its the sign of ending, closure....

Praying for the best and I really need to put the past way way back behind me.....

New Beginning

I enrolled Zaki into a private college to do A-levels. Had already set our minds long before the exam. So his results doesnt affect the decision. He will start his class early April and it will be a new beginning for him. Need him to do better and perhaps next year can start his degree programme.

Zaki will be doing English/TESL. Its the only thing that interest him actually. For me, English is a never wrong degree. If he decided to do something else, only after his English degree.

As for, after being evicted and my things thrown away by A, I just want to move on. If that makes him happy and satisfied, I wish him well. I am over it!

Zaki, Zaki.....

Zaki got his results. Not as expected but I am still happy coz at least he tried. He was in great pain during his exam and with his injury, he was not at the best condition. I accepted his results with open mind and hope that he will learn something out of it.

After this, he has to look forward and move on.... Will try to get him into college and hope he will excel.

In the memory of a good friend....

It had been more than 8 months since she left us. Even now still I could not get her out of my system. I can still feel her existence and whenever I passed by her house, I can still see her there.

I have been wanting to write about her but I just could not put my feelings in writing. She is like a big sister to me and second mum to my kids. She got her nickname from Zaki when Zaki was still a toddler. Everyone called her by the name 'Mak Iti' since then.

She took care of Zaid and Sarah during my confinement and helped me through my rough times. She took care of the kids for a month when I went to perform haj in 2002. When I got the call at 6 am on July 3, 2009 infornming that she had passed away due to heart attack, I was devastated. Even the day before, she called me to meet her but I was a bit busy and could not meet her. The next day, she was gone. I could not comprehend and only after I saw her body lying lifeless, then only I believed that she left us.

My kids skipped school and were at the surau together with me. We went to the cemetery and Sarah kept asking why and what had happened. It was very hard explaining to her. Until now, Sarah will still ask me whether Mak Iti is still at the surau whenever we passed by the surau.

Her scarifices for the community at our place would be remembered forever. We still mention her name and felt that she's always around us.

To Allahyarhamah Hajjah Siti Hatijah, we missed you and love you always....

Another sick friend

This is Esther. She is Sarah's piano teacher. She has been teaching Sarah since October 2009 and she is a very patient teacher.

Last Saturday, I received a call from the music centre. They informed me Sarah's class was rescheduled to 11 am. They only informed that Esther couldnt make it for her usual class.

On the way there, I noticed that theres jam at Jln Ampang. I tot there was an accident, I turned to another road and yet still jammed. Finally when I reached the place, I was 10 minutes late. Then only I knew that the roads were closed because of Le Tour de Langkawi....

Sarah's new teacher, a young Chinese girl is a pleasant and also very patient. Then she told me that she would be replacing Esther for good. She later told me that Esther had cancer - stage 4! I was shocked coz she was okay when I met her last week. Esther would always give Sarah some sweets and Sarah is always looking forward for her piano class.

After the class I enquired form the centre's staffs and they confirmed the news. How sad... and suddenly I felt bad. I never had the chance to thank her for what she had done for Sarah. Suddenly I realised that life is short. You will never know whats in store for you.

Here I would like to tell my kids and my friends that I really appreciate all of you. Thank you, all!

Another week to result....

SPM's result will be out next week. Zaki will one the thousands getting his result and now I am now having coooold feet. He is as usual, no worries. I cant expect much from him as he went thru a lot before and during his exam. I just hope that he will get a fair result....

As for the other kids, Zaid's exam will last until tomorrow and Sarah's will start next week. And now I am down with cough and fever. The weather made it worse as the heat and the heavy rain in the evenings.

As a consolation that I am not in the workforce, I am able to rest a bit more and will try to recover from this torturing coughs.....

Semi Retirement

Officially starting from 1st March 2010, I am out of job. In anticipation of Zaki's result coming out, there will be nobody to wait for her at home. As my kids needed me, I resigned. My amanah given by Allah SWT is more important that anything else.

My dear friend La passed away on Saturday nite. I received the news around midnite and could not sleep after that. Its so sad and heart breaking thinking of her kids. I couldn't make it for her funeral as I have a class on Sunday morning. Could not cancel the class at the last minute.

Then come Monday, another friend's wife passed away at Damansara Specialist Hospital. Another heart breaking news. I suppose that day was my busiest day as I have to pick up and send some friends back and forth. I was out from 7.30 am and came back around 8 but it was fulfilling. Eventhough dead tired but I am happy I could meet up with some buddies.

I feel really good knowing that I still friends out there and I really appreciate the supports they have given me.....

A Sad Gathering

My friends and I (almost twenty of us) gathered at a dear friend's house to recite surah Yasen and doa for another friend who still in ICU HKL after a brain surgery. There were tears flowing and exchange stories about our comatose friend.

After that we went to the hospital and visited her. She is a sorry state... Her family were gathering all over the hospital and reciting surah Yasin together. We pray for her recovery but eventually Allah knows better. Her youngest girl is only 8 years old and it broke our hearts to see the kids. She has 7 children and they were all waiting.....

My doa is with her and family..... It kept me thinking actually. Will there be anybody should my time comes? God knows....

A Passing Away...

Remember few weeks ago I was writing about proposal? Today I found that he passed away last Monday. He suffered a heart attack and I was informed by his daughter. I was supposed to meet him last week when he came to KL but according to his daughter, he was not feeling well and rushed home after being in KL for 3 nites only. I thought that he was busy or refused to meet me but maybe he knew about his condition and dont want me to be upset. Should I were to meet him then, I think I would be more devastated now. I am sad as he was very concerned about me and my kids. He always voiced up his worries about us and now I understand why. He even sent me a present for my recent birthday and I will cherish him.

May Allah bless his soul and thank you and goodbye to you Abang. Al-Fatihah....

Another nite out

I had another nite out with friends but this time friends from my neighbourhood. At first one of them came to my house and we started listening to some songs stored in my PC. Then we adjourned to her house and two more friends joinned us. We chit-chatted until 2.30 am! Actually only the two of us. The other 2 went back around 12.30 am. My kids were there and fell asleep. Had to wake them up when it was time to go back....

It was wonderful to know that people care... and willing to help you when you are in need.... What a bless!

Birthday - GE Mall

My two good friends, Aya and Shema spent almost 12 hours with me from breakfast at O'Briens, lunch at Penang Village and dinner at Wong Solo. What a day! We had a good time looking through the old pics posted at Fb. Today is Shema's birthday and she is alone at home.... So we decided to keep her company at least until dinner.

So much to cerita to each other and at this age, friends are important... my old classmates whom I spent 5 years together.... They are like my family, my sisters.... Thank you.

School

I was called by Maisarah's class teacher to meet him and the HEM (Hal Ehwal Murid) on Thursday. I understood that A went to see him on Monday and the teacher decided to call me to discuss some matters. I was supposed to appear in court but I decided to go to school as I have a lawyer to assist me in court.

The teacher was trying to explain to me that Sarah has some difficulties which I am aware of. Perhaps his discussion with A was to point that Sarah cannot learn in her present school. I met the HEM and explained to her Sarah's condition and I am not expecting Sarah to excel in her academics but I want her to improve her communication skill and her behaviour. I know she has learning disabilities and had been going for theraphy for the last 6 years at HUKM. And her academics is not my priority...

The teacher told me that Sarah's eyes would be watery if any male teachers raise their voice or scold her.... I told the teacher doesnt that shows that she is in constant fear when faced when adult males like her father? She went through a traumatic early life while I was married. And since, I have tried to protect her and guide her to overcome her fears.

The day her father met her teacher, she was so frightened that her father would hit me. She kept on asking whether her father will scold me and abuse me again. I cant imagine whats playing in her mind.....

I cleared the matter with the teachers and explained to them that I am aware of her condition and she is undergoing her regular theraphy at HUKM. All I wanted is for her to grow up at her own phase and maybe someday she could be independent....

New Hairdo.

Sarah had her hair cut last Thursday and this is how she looks like... Short and sasssy. Easier to maintain. Well... she doesnt like to comb her hair then short is the answer! No complains from her and yesterday Zaid cut his hair. He had been asked by the teachers to cut his hair. Finally... I have asked him many times and he ignored me.

Birthday - BTS

My kids insisted to go to BTS on my birthday. Well... no food at home too coz I was at work till evening. We met Arina and Salmi there. They got me chocs from Amos with a cute teddy bear. Sarah immediately claimed the bear, as usual and we had dinner at Papa John.

What came after dinner was a surprise... A cake and the whole staffs of Papa John singing together with the customers... Malunya... Too old for that. The cake was good and thanks to Salmi n Arina for making my day.

A Quiet Birthday....

I was at the office today, on my birthday. I was treated by a couple of engineers to a sumptous Thai lunch and the most surprising thing is that I recieved a pair of beautiful brooch from someone in Langkawi... What a nice gesture and Thank you for remembering my birthday.

I dont expect anything from my kids but as long as they are with me, they are the best birthday presents ever! Recieved lots of wishes via Fb and smses from friends too.... Am I getting old? Its only in the number.....

A New Feeling

Tomorrow is my birthday. Another year added and I am just beginning to relive my new life, new feelings and new resolutions. My last 2 months was hectic and frustrating coz had to go to court to settle a lot of things. It was tiring and not cheap too. But principle wise, I am going to go through all. If A thinks that I will withdraw and accept his offer, he is dead wrong. Now I am not going to allow him to undermine me, belittle me and take me for granted. I am going all out to make sure that he will pay the dues. It may be lengthy and exhausting, but with the support from close people around me (esp my friends), I will fight till the end. I will fight for my dignity, my kids and family. I will fight for the principle....

A Proposal? Perhaps....

In the midst of my court hearings and all, someone asked me how long will I stay single. A tough question actually. He himself had been single for a long time and has grown-up children. I on the other hand recently (?) single and 3 school going kids. Well... only met him once and dont know how to answer his question. He is a nice old man and perhaps what I could do is let nature takes its course. Not rushing into anything yet.... Have not thot about it at all. My main concern is my kids being happy and comfortable.


Will there be a next person? Only time will tell....

Breakfast With my Good Friends

Had a long breakfast with Shema, Aya, Kauthar and Su at Su's Pucuk DiCita. Good food and company too. Was there till almost 2 pm. Breakfast and lunch too.

Had to update the latest events and had a great time eating and chatting. Will do it again only when Kauthar has long visa. The others have no problem....

Exhausting Week

It was an exhausting week for us. But mind you, we are happy. Btw Zaid registered at VI (finally) this morning. Glad that the waiting is over. But there are other things need waiting though.... If I have waited this long, what is another few months.

The kids are adjusting well. So do I. No more nightmares and lonely nights. No more fear and felt secured surrounded by my loved ones.

Thank You, Friends...

A group of friends came over to wish me well and good luck for the upcoming event. I thanked all of them for their doas and wishes. Eventhough no family members came, my friends presence were enough. It meant very much to me and the kids.

Really hoping that all will end well in the near future....

Beginning of a new phase

After almost 20 years, I am starting a new phase of my life. I thanked my family and friends who had helped me through the rough phase. I am blessed to have friends who supported me and to my kids, thank you for having faith in me.

I hope our new life will proper and we will be blessed by Allah SWT.

What a week!

The first week of January 2010 was very hectic for me. Beginning the last week of December until today, I was busy at the kindergarten... This year's intake was unbelievable. The most students I've had in 9 years managing the kindergarten. Alhamdulillah...

As I did not anticipate the volume, my stocks are running short. Had to order more books and uniforms and had to redo the time table and the school's arrangement. Luckily a parent donated more tables and chairs to us.

Well... as usual every year we will have crying toddlers. worrying parents and parents/maid waiting by the door and window. But only for the first 3 days. By today, most of the kids are able to adapt to the school. I have not started teaching yet coz still busy with the other management thingy.

I manage the kindergarten on behalf of an organization I am involved with. It is my passion to teach and we have won award for the best management in our area. I always feel good surrounded by kids; whether big or small. It makes you feel appreciated.... You become more patient. I thanked the organization for allowing me to manage the school. Maybe one day I will have my own school... Wishful Thinking!

First day of school 2010

In the midst of my busy day of the FIRST DAY, I received 2 news of friends passing away. One in Kerteh, Izan, a neighbour. Her daughter, Yasmin went to same kindy with Zaki. Then another friend, Kak Munirah, a friend I met while I was in Bandung 3 years ago. Very saddening. Izan met an accident while Kak Rah died of cancer. I went to Kak Rah's funeral at Danau Kota. Met some other friends from my trip to Bandung; Kak Zah, Norlia, Bibi, Mahan and their spouses respectively.

I took Sarah and Zaki to the funeral as Zaid was in school. Sarah, as usual asking me about death and kept reminding me not to die. I couldnt answer her.... She kept telling me not to leave her. A tough thing to explain....