Time

How time flies... Its already November. 10 months over in a brisk. The kids all grown up. Next year Sarah will be in her double digit age. Thats why I had her birthday celebrated (more than 5 people attended, she asked for it!) this year coz her last year in single digit. That means also another year added for me too.

Not to worry about age actually. Its just a number.. How you lived to be that number is more important. I wanted to grow old gracefully. When I was married, I never see myself growing old with A. I really dont mind growing old in my present condition coz I will always have the children with me esp Sarah. I am enjoying what I do now... traveling, reading, sudoku and teaching.

I am a part time teacher. I love teaching English. Currently I teach students from kindergarten to Form 5 students. Its such a great pleasure having to teach pupils English and seeing them appreciate what I had done is wonderful. I hope I will continue teaching and continue my service to the community...

Oh Friday...

I love Fridays whether TGIF or Friday not because the weekend is coming but its a day I can watch my fav show without disturbance from the kids. They knew that Friday night is my TV night. No one can kacau me watching Midsomer Murders on channel 702.

I enjoyed this British police drama for the language and the plot... very2 complicated. You actually have to watch and listen carefully in order for you to understand the story. I always like these mystery series. I used to watch Matlock, Barnaby Jones, Murder She Wrote, Murder 101, Mystery Woman to name a few. I love solving murder stories. My kids never understand why I like these stories and now I can watch whatever I like actually.

Tonight is the night... with a cup of hot nescafe watching my fav drama.... What a bless!

Waiting...

Well... the hospital visit was not too bad. But still... had to wait for a couple of hours. There were other patients waiting too. We chit chatted and time seemed to fly. Had meals (the cafe food) is not that bad. I love the apple pies there. Bought for sandwiches for Zaki and Sarah too.

Zaid finally got his cast removed. What a relief!! He was jumping up and down. Keep on asking for his turn while waiting for the doc. I told him if he can wait for 3 weeks, what is an hour to him...Yes... waiting seemed to be a pain for most of us.

Honestly, I waited a long time to be what I am now. It took me years to be where I am now. Not the high flying career I seek actually but the independence. Had always wanted to end the misery but the time were never right. Now... after a year I can feel the goodness of being independent. Dont want to get hurt no more. Would rather be alone coz alone doesnt mean you are lonely.

Many people asked me whether I am lonely. I said no, of course! The kids kept me company and I have many friends to help me thru. What is matrimony when you no longer respect each other and you lost the trust? Promises you cant keep, the abuse, physical and mental you had to endure? Dont think I want to be in the same boat again. My life is too precious to be wasted. A, you maybe a top gun in a big corp but you are no longer in our top list. You dont deserve any of us. I can finally walk up tall and be myself again after 19 years.... The waiting is over. Yes, I waited that long....

Hoping for a good day...

It was raining for a few hours yesterday. I had to attend an appoinment at KL centre in the rain. Lucky for me not many cars heading my way and I managed to reach home at 4.30pm. Zaki is still down with chicken pox. The doc said at least for a week that he should be quarantined. But I dont know about the other kids whether they will get chicken pox later.

Today I'll be taking Zaid to the hospital to take off the cast. I hope I dont have to queue a long time at the hospital. Have a lot of things to do today...

This morning I got a message from an old friend whom I've not seen for almost 26 years. It felt good waking up and getting the message. I hope its a sign for a good day today...

My siblings

My family came from Ipoh. I was born in Ipoh. I did my primary until Std 5 in Ipoh. My father then moved to Kota Bharu and I finished my primary there. I went to a boarding school in Kelantan and a small part of me still feel that I am part Kelantanese. Hahahah... well I can speak their dialect well.

My father moved to four more towns while I was at secondary school. My other siblings followed my parents. Thus that made them more attached to my parents. Whereas I was only back during school hols which was actually did not coincide with their holidays. I was always alone and eventually I was closer to my freinds. I would find ways to visit my friends during school holidays no matter where they were. Good ole days....

I am the youngest in the family and the only one educated in Malay Medium. My father was concerned about this and he insisted that I speak mainly in English to him. He would correct my language if I did wrong and I am proud of him. He died in April 1994 at 70 and only had seen my first born, Zaki. Dont think Zaki even remembered him.... Too bad. So when we had Zaid, I make sure Zaid carried his name, Ghazali.

My two brothers and sister now live in Klang Valley. They have their own family and we do meet up for gatherings. Somehow or rather, I became a bit distanced after my separation. I wonder why too.....

Faces

We were invited to a little girl's birthday bash at a club in Damansara on Oct 16. The kids had fun swimming and they got their face painted. Well.. not like what other kids would go for.. flowers or butterflies. They wanted something different and even the artist were a bit shock when they asked to be painted that way.

On our way back home, they would try to scare other ppl when we stopped at the traffic lights. Hahahah... Sarah was still looking like a dog the next day when we attended open house at my bosses place.

Whatever or however, they are still my beloved kids... and plus Zaki who is now having chicken pox. Argh... three more weeks to SPM and had to miss school... More worrying for ibu now. Hmmmmm.

My dear Aunt

As I lost my mum 24 years ago, my aunt has been the replacement. I confided in her in everything and I am happy that she is there whenever I needed her. We share a common name actually. My name was given by my late grandfather. Well... he named my aunt first. She is only 12 years older than me. When I was a toddler, my aunt took care of me and I call her kakak. My siblings and I followed my late youngest uncle who called her kakak.

Kakak has been a good listener and advisor. She is calm and patient. She supported my decision and she helped me through and through. For the last six years (after her husband passed away of kidney problem), she would come visit me and stayed with me for a few days during school holidays. My kids are fond of her and called her opah and will look forward for her every visit. For them, she is the opah they never had. My kids are attached to her and I thanked her for her presence in my life.

I respect and adored her as my own mum. Kakak, thank you....

Rap Competition AND1

Zaki entered this competition held at Berjaya Time Square and finally he managed to get a recording contract. Firstly I am very proud of him for getting second and I am also proud that he has the courage to rap infront of people. He has the talent (dont know from whom) and I hope he will continue doing what he wanted. I wonder if A is proud of his son... Hhmmm I wonder.

At least Zaki has found his identity as a rap artist. Wish him well... Secondly, I am still worried abt his SPM exam which is only less than a month away. I want him to do well in his exam... He has to do well actually.

Congratulations Zaki...

Naza Fair

Top: Zaki, Arina & Sarah

Below: Arina

We went to Naza Fair at PJ minus Zaid but plus Arina. Her mother works there. Btw Arina is a sweet 17 year old girl who is Zaki's friend. I find her very helpful and a pleasant girl. We got our hands painted and Sarah collected some balloons.

We rushed to Sarah's piano lesson at Ampang Point and I end up buying her an electric guitar too. She enjoyed her piano lesson and just wanted to instill some skill for her. Who knows...perhaps she is talented...

Arina seems to get along with Sarah very well. Sarah can really behave well when Arina is around. I spoke to her mother that I am pleased with Arina and maybe I can adopt her as my daughter.... (If she doesnt become my daughter in law la). The chemistry between me, Arina and Sarah is magical. I hope the relationship will last long....

Sometimes people that enter into your life in some way are significant. I see Arina as a blessing in disguise, when I needed a grown up daughter to share my feelings. So mothers out there, please appreciate your daughters... I did not have that relationship with my late mother.

Down with flu

For the last three days, I was down with flu and slight fever. Not H1N1 la... Zaki and Sarah are also in the same boat. Zaid...as usual. Not catching it.

Still I have to be in the office coz need to get some urgent matters done. And the for the last three days also, my mood was not really good. A lot of things in mind and I end up shopping. I suppose thats the best therapy. In the last 3 days, I managed to buy 3 pairs of shoes, 5 books including Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, 2 handphones including Nokia 5530 expressmusic and 2 original windows for Zaid's and Zaki's laptops. And also I cut my hair.

Have to starve for the next 2 weeks I think. Spend a bit some in the last three days. Well....
What to do... Need to cheer myself up. Not expecting anybody else to help me thru... sob sob.

Busy Day

It felt like Monday actually. I reached office at 7.40 am, a record time and I dont have the keys! Locked out until almost 8 am when Liyana arrived with keys. Aaahhhh. What a relief. But then I thot my boss would come in early coz today is bank day. Guess what? He went straight to his meeting.

I rushed to prepare the cheques for staffs salaries but alas... he signed the cheques after 3 pm. Tried to rush to the bank in the rain and slight jam. And again he missed signing two cheques. Arrghh had to go back to office to get him sign.... Well in a month, salary time would be a busy day for me. With the looks from the kids (?) around me....kesian. Most of them buat muka welfare coz all dried up especially after raya hols. I cant disappoint them, could I?

I dont feel well actually with the weather hot and cold... Sore throat a bit but maybe it was because been singing Koleksi Sharifah Aini for the last 2 weeks whenever driving. I caught her concert 'Inilah Sharifah Aini' at Filem Negara early Oct and cant seem to get her songs out of my mind. I really enjoyed the concert and the company. Thanks to Hj N and my good friend AJ for taking me. I owe you guys a big one! Her songs reminded me of my growing up years and they suited my situation very well. Songs like Jatuh Cinta, Tiada Maaf Bagimu, Dekatlah Padaku etc. Ramli MS was the pianist and he was superb. Good show!!

Tot of going to Singapore for her concert in early Nov but could not find any friends to go with. I dont mind spending a lil bit for a good time. You only live once!! Enjoy it while I still can.... Anyone out there care to join me?

Huhuhuhu.....

Lunch - PNB Darby Park

I had a good lunch with 3 of my ex-classmates (Form 1-5). It was at PNB Darby Park, 39th Floor. The food was excellent and the music by Ann Zulkifli was pleasant. Really enjoyed our long lunch and exchanging updated infos abt ourselves. Perhaps the next time we meet, more of the classmates would have the time to join.

Btw its my day off today. My english class at the sekolah agama near my house was at 3pm. Felt really good during the class coz all the students were actually doing their work and listening to me. After class, I took my students to the nearby sundry shop to belanja them, only if they speak to the shopkeeper in English! Were they scared! I wanted them to practise their English and the shop owner commented that they had never met a teacher like this. LOL. Everyone managed to buy ice creams and some goodies. But they really enjoyed it. The satisfaction of making my students happy.... I felt blessed.

What a day!

Back to work after 4 days off. Phew! There are few things pending and my mind was else where. Worry abt our new place to stay. Well I had to move out fr this house by year end. Had been staying here since Zaki was 6 months old. Now he is already 17. For a change, I need to move away from this house as it creeps me after these years. Need to flush away all the memories from this house. Been too much for me to take, actually.

Then, I worry abt Zaki taking his SPM this year. It had been bad for him going thru the years with me and becoming my protector. I am blessed to have Zaki for he understood my situation and able to take charge after A left. I know he is still young but... I wonder whats cooking deep inside him.

Then, I also worry abt Zaid who fractured his wrist during a football game. Had to be in cast for three weeks!! But he can still use his legs. Been having his friends over and out. Luckily his UPSR and PSRA over...

Finally... my dear Sarah. My special girl who has learning disabilities. Mild Autistic to be exact. I accompanied Sarah for her monthly therapy at HUKM since 2003 and I can count how many times A was there. He was too busy to even take Sarah for an hour in a month. Even the brothers would ponteng sekolah so that they can help Sarah. Perhaps A was in denial. Let him be... Sarah will have to sit for her final Year 3 exam soon. Her IQ is only 6 years old.....

What a worrying day...

The transformation

It would had been our 20th wedding anniversary mid Oct but it never happened. Its ok actually for I would not get my independence should I still be married. I did not regret being married to A though, coz from the marriage I got three wonderful kids.

Need not to regret being out too. Really am enjoying my singlehood and the time with the kids. We finally been able to do things without upsetting A's busy schedule, golf, work and time. I manage to travel a bit and most of all, I manage to catch some good concerts too. I dont think A would approve but I dont care.

My life now is more peaceful than ever and I can actually channel my energy to something useful and to others who would appreciate me. After being out of job for almost 13 years, I manage to work right after being single. Never thought I could do that after years of being a home maker but was I wrong!

The work had somehow change my life. And also I got help from close friends whom actually knew what I went thru. I was given opportunity to actually work myself out and eventually earn my own money. It felt really good that finally I am no longer live in deceit of lies, fear for my own life and the kids. The best transformation ever!

I thanked Allah SWT for the giving me the strength to survive. I may earn only 5% of what A is earning monthly but the Barakah is what that matters. Be it a little but it goes a long way. Alhamdulillah.

My beloved kids

Thank you

Had been wanting to write a blog but could not find the time. I thanked A for giving me the independence after almost 19 years of matrimony and 3 kids. I may relive my life again after being lost and trapped.

Thank you, A, for making this happen. I am glad I survive my first year of singlehood and I thanked my kids for the strength and unconditional love they gave me.

This blog ia about my life, my kids and the people who helped me through out my misery. Thankful for all the support given by friends and family.